Basic characteristics of a Brick-wall family
1) Hierarchy of control. the parent has absolute authority, enforces order and always wins.” I don’t care what the teacher or anybody else says, you’ll do what I tell you to do”
2) Litany of strict rules. Thou-shalt-nots and don’t-you- dares are used to enforce desired behaviors. “You will make your bed this way because I say so”
3) Punctuality, cleanliness, and order. Parents enforce unyielding time lines, unnecessary restrictions and unbending boundaries. ” You are too be home at midnight, not one minute later”
4) Rigid enforcement of rules by means of actual threatened, or imagined, violence. Failure to meet expected standards is “corrected” with severe punishment. “I’ll break your arm if I see you do that again”
5) Attempt to break child’s will and spirit with fear and punishment. ” If you’re going to act like a girl, you are going to dress like one.”
6) Rigid rituals and role learnings. Parents enforce strict procedures for sleeping, eating, dressing, playing and religious observances. “As long as you are in this house, you will go to religious services with us.”
7) Use of humiliation. parents employ sarcasm, ridicule, and embarrassment to manipulate and control behavior. ” How could you be so stupid?” “A turtle can run faster than you.”
8 ) Extensive use of threats and bribes. Parents alternate between the carrot and the stick. Kids never know what to expect. “If you stop crying, I will give you a candy bar. If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about.”
9) Heavy reliance on competition. Parents encourage or force children to compete in order to get them to perform and excel. ” If you try harder, you can beat him out for the part.”
10) Learning takes place in an atmosphere of fear. “you’ll disappoint us if your grades aren’t good enough for you to get into our alma mater.”
11) Love is highly conditional. In order to get affection or approval, children must do as they are told, not as they would like. ” Look what you have done to the family name. I am ashamed that you are my child.”
12) Separate, strictly enforced roles. ” Boys don’t cry. ” ” girls don’t do that.”
13) Teach what to think not how to think. ” Put your coat on, it’s cold outside.”
14) REfuses to acknowledge the need to get help. Personal problems are denied and hidden from other members of the family. “Dad’s not drunk, he just needs more sleep. He’s working so hard”. “Don’t tell anyone about what happened last night.”
for more information, you may want to read my previous post on three kinds of families
http://thingsthatcheermeup.wordpress.com/2010/10/24/three-kinds-of-families/
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